Intimacy extends beyond the physical. It may take years to develop. It will if partners think it will. Intimacy doesn't need words. You know your partner and in using that word, the power of intimacy is limited. The alternative is to think of a better word that can describe the relationship's richness between two people and, ultimately, between two spirits.
Christopher Reeve and his wife, Dana Morosini, were together throughout the rest of his life after he was paralyzed from a horse throw. Mrs. Reeve developed lung cancer. I felt it was from the equipment that supported her husband’s biological functions. He depended on a respirator because he could not breathe on his own. Mr. Reeve gave his wife permission to end their relationship. To paraphrase, she said he was the reason she married him.
People have sex before they know each other’s financial status and never see each other again. Sex, from Merriam-Webster online is defined as “either of the two major forms of individuals that occur in many species and that are distinguished respectively as female or male especially on the basis of their reproductive organs and structures.”
Author Terry MacMillan coined the term “body maintenance” referring to casual sex with a partner. It was socially acceptable for men to do. Now women feel the freedom to satisfy their sexual needs in this manner.
Intimacy is defined by the same source as “something of a personal or private nature.” Intimacy is the knowledge of how your lover appreciates or you appreciate being touched, held, or swept off your feet. Intimacy is the “how” to making sex pleasurable. In our world of duality, sex can be pleasurable or violent. Similarly, intimacy can bring pleasure or pain, depending on how one uses it.
Our lives have changed as a result of my husband’s change in life. Sexually speaking, it wasn’t that I was a rabbit and needed daily or weekly servicing. It was that I felt it was beyond sacrificing in a monogamous relationship and this should not be a condition in which I pledged fidelity.
Can you imagine being parted from your loved one for several centuries?
In my marriage vow to him, I included that I would not make him responsible for my happiness. I had asked my husband if he would mind if I had a male friend for servicing me. Just because his desires changed, specifically his lack thereof, why should my desires change? His way of saying no was to remind me that I was his wife. Recently, I looked at his marriage vow to me. He quoted a verse from Khalil Gibran's "Of Love":
"For love lies in the soul alone,
Not in the body, and like wine
Should stimulate our better self
To welcome gifts of Love Divine..."
And I understood.
Our intimate relationship developed over eighteen years with a lot of interference from people who thought they knew better than he who should be in his life. We met four days after my birthday in 1993. I waited with an accountant for over an hour and a half at the Small Business Administration in New York to see a small business expert. He came to the reception area. “I am here,” he said. “Hail, hail,” I said when saw him. He was my birthday gift. Some days I remind myself of that. We took turns staying at each other’s residence in different states. While we were apart, our desire and anticipation increased. We were ready for each other when we came together.
When we lived together, sex became routine. My husband would touch 1/8th of one breast and wanted to enter me. I, however, was far from a similar state. I would do my wifely duty and comply. Other times he’d ask, I would begrudgingly allow but I thanked him profusely because of the incredible tension release I experienced. There were times I was not aware that I was that tense.
In April of 2011 I finally realized what changed. We were missing the “apart-time” is an tangible reason, however, not the true reason. After a relationship ended, I remained alone for at least a year but would self-pleasure, the same thing I did when my husband, then boyfriend, and I were apart. This practice was a part of my sexual activity and I abandoned it when we began living together. This relaxed me, hence there would be no need for a substitute. I broaden Ms. MacMillan’s definition to include what I need to do on my own terms.
The true reason was of energetic origin which will be explained on another page.
Intimacy is what I knew stimulated him and not necessarily for sex. Some things he asked me to do, others I found out. I found out things about my body from many of the relationships I had before I met my husband and they all added to his knowledge of how to treat me.
For spouses providing caregiving, as our reproduction systems continue to function when our partners may not be able to participate in sexual activity, there is no reason to shut this part of our bodies down. If this cannot be fulfilled in the usual way you and your partner have established, discuss it and see it you can agree on an alternative.
To maintain fidelity, consider personal pleasure at alone-time. There are many devices available that can be discreetly delivered and books that can be enjoyed a page at a time. I purchased a massager at Hoffritz on the World Trade Center Concourse many years ago and the salesperson picked up practically every item around the massager I was pointing to. I understood the feelings of that salesperson but I was on a mission.
Memories carry you through times like this, when you made the time for a romantic interlude, or just picked a single flower and presented it to your beloved with your own words. Perhaps they were as simple as “I love your face, my Beauty.” This kind of attention strikes a chord within you that transcends the sexual union and shoots you into the stars like a slingshot.
A stroke of a hand, when remembered, showers you with tingly energy through the top of your head, or the crown chakra, cascading throughout your body. Be grateful for what you created. Do not bemoan the possibility of never creating them again. Those memories are precious and one-of-a-kind, never to be duplicated or replicated.
If you have not made time to create activities with intimate memories before the change in the relationship, please steer clear of the coudda, woudda, shouddas because that will bring you to remorse and depression. Start now and use the list of what was already done or be creative within your ability and conditions. Time honored expressions include those things men, women, and children created that endure like:
• poetry- theirs or your own efforts;
• photography of beautiful places with words;
• art work;
• beautiful crafts that spoke to you and would be a match for the recipient, and
• personal expression. Speak from your heart. Stumble; there would be no need to excuse yourself. You will be speaking to someone who loves you.
For single mothers, this alone-time is therapeutic. It may change the nature of your health and chronological age. It releases and relaxes. You would be in and centered in your body, in command of your own energy. The kinds of stress that manifest for you due to this neglected area of your life will change and you will be able to function at more constructive levels.
For both men and women, after your release, breathe and move the energy through your body rather than hold it in the groin. Our growth as evolving spiritual beings includes moving this powerful energy up the spine through all of the energy centers. The purpose of the energy or chakra centers is to absorb and distribute energy throughout the organs. Feel the energy radiate through them. During this you can become conscious of this sacred activity.
To further relax, focus on and release the tension in the feet, a toe at a time. Move to the rest of the foot, to your ankles, then your calves. Move up the body. End the relaxation releasing the jaw, lips, cheeks, forehead, and scalp. If tears come, let them fall. Keep breathing. Remember to smile.