Hope
here Is Hope" was at the beginning of my husband's and my relationship after he was diagnosed with "dementia of the Alzheimer's type." Despite the change in our relationship, I felt there was hope and we would adapt to internalize what was becoming a part of our life.
Divine Goddess Within by Allison L. Williams Hill
We Are Not the Same
Anna’s husband moved in and out of reality and his dreams. Anna was exasperated. He kept asking about the dogs they did not have. Does he think I’m lying to him? she thought.
They had been together for over seventeen years, but the last five years of their relationship had undergone significant changes. Their dance was different. His responsibilities were inferred due to gender. He felt Anna was different. She learned to use a post digger when she moved with him to the islands. “Wow, that’s some worker you got there at the beach. He had a good working rhythm,” said an acquaintance. Her husband replied with a smile, “That’s my wife.”
Anna gradually did most of the chores. She’d have to hire workers to complete the things she could not. She returned from the store to find that he had come down the stairs and sat at the dining table waiting for her. His vision was diminishing from glaucoma. On some days, he was in complete darkness.
“Is there anything I can help with?” he asked after she greeted him with a kiss. Anna smiled, “No thanks. Just a few bags to bring in.” How thoughtful that he volunteered, she thought. Slowly, he began to do nothing. The doctors pronounced his depression as mild, but Anna watched as he chose to just lay, either on the sofa or in bed, staring straight ahead. He obtained a Doctor of Philosophy in Economics after his two Masters degrees. The culmination of all of that knowledge produced a program that helped people with ideas become entrepreneurs with business plans to secure funding for their enterprises. The government ran it for two years. He left because they were not paying attention to the information about the coming recessions. He thought the community college would be a better venue. The government chose not to renew his contract. He understood his role as a technocrat. And he was at home, all day, every day, while Anna left to go to her government job. He, a developer of small businesses, did not even want to do his own. All of the social liquor disappeared. That was how it appeared to Anna; she looked at the bar and noticed the amount of light there was on that particular shelf.
Hope Through Healing
Anna attended a healing school because her heart was crying for spiritual support. "Are you really there?" she'd ask. She learned how to heal and applied energy to her husband, placing her hands on his body at every opportunity unless she was angry with him. Am I helping him? She asked every day. She continued studying small business development, spirituality, and art. Anna spoke to him about a program that tied spirit with small business development. Money was tight, but he thought if it helped Anna learn what she wanted, it was something worth pursuing. This course, amazingly and strangely, stressed that the real value was not what Anna wanted to sell but the relationship she developed with others. What's our relationship becoming, she thought. She listened to the recordings, transcribed them, and read the words.
As she listened on a Monday morning, she finally got it. Anna remembered a television show about homeless veterans. She thought about finding vets on the streets or through agencies. She would always remember the talks she and her husband had about Vietnam, the stuff he thought she could handle. The light went on. Begin the discussion with him. Wow! She thought. Ask them how they can help me! If he were a plumber, find things for him to do. Don't just hand things to them.
She turned on her feet as she thought of her husband. She saw it all written and replaying in space. He went to school to help the disenfranchised. He helped many small business people become millionaires. He came home to the land where his parents were born to help move people from doing for others to doing for themselves. And his asking me to help with the groceries, she began to cry.
Her husband, Charles, needed to be needed. She meditated and drew the energy. She drew a breath and interpreted the drawing. The message that came through her said, "Be the feminine energy Charles wants, even more so. Be the world Charles wants to hold and protect again. Be vulnerable and ask."
Allison Williams Hill 3/29/2011
Links
The above meditation mandala will be available soon.
