posted November 15, 2011; revised October 14, 2017
y thoughts on dying included
wanting the electronic version of “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring” by J.S. Bach playing at my funeral. I heard a recording of it several years ago that I taped, when vinyl albums were still available, during a New York City college radio show on electronic music.
I’ve changed my mind. Instead, I want several videos on several plasma screens showing memorable comedy sketches from Saturday Night Live, including Mr. Bill; Fridays with Daryl Igus as the Ganga Man and Bill Maher with his classical music and chickens;
the Richard Pryor Show; the Flip Wilson Show with Flip as Geraldine; the Carol Burnett show’s Mama and Family and some of those spectacular Hollywood numbers; Martin Lawrence Show’s Sha Ne Ne, and if it exists, Steve Landesburg doing his impressions of languages like the Southern Hassidic Jew and the jazz loving Japanese deejay. I have not been lucky to find much of Steve Landesburg’s work. He came to mind one day and when I was searching the net I found out he made the transition.
I want people who show up to laugh until they pee. Clips from movies like Monty Python and the Holy Grail; Eddie Murphy's Beverly Hill's Cop and Coming to America; and Booty Call’s restaurant scene where Viveca Fox and Jamie Foxx speak Chinese will be running. I'd also like comedians walking around, doing their acts. I will have made arrangements for their compensation before I die.
I consider this filed. I will append this to my will with the web
address as I don’t see the need to write it twice. Also, I think it will clash with the legalese. And, the family won’t lose it.
Funerals or memorials are static. These are rituals with steps. The only thing I appreciate is that people come together. The adjacent space can have the buffet spread. Laughing makes one hungry and thirsty. I am sure I’ll be roaming in the space saying my last blessings to those who attend.
A thought came to mind while writing about Body Custodian, a site that I created with the intention to create a real-time autopsy. What if we were more evolved, or we reach a place where it becomes mandatory, regardless of religious preferences, that all of the deceased are used for the living? This includes organ donating or research. However, during our time on the planet, what if we are required to maintain the body at a certain level of care to ensure that the body is suitable for use for others after death? If we do not, we get fined any number of creative ways. A fine could be other things besides money.
For example, you could enter a fast food restaurant and after placing an order, a perfectly legal question could be asked: “Were you given information about your current medical condition?” Answer yes or no, the next perfectly legal question is: “What is your name?” Then: “What is your Social Security number?”
If there are no alerts, the cashier will complete your order, you will pay and collect your meal. If, however, you answered incorrectly, which means you lied, then the alert will not only prevent the cashier from completing your order but those nearest you will know. You will be embarrassed and promptly leave as quickly as possible to avoid humiliation.
For multiple offenders, who are no longer embarrassed before people who are within their immediate heart energy zone (12 feet all around), the alert system will inform ALL who are in the restaurant. A siren with multiple annoying pitches, lights flashing red and glaring white, a mechanical voice reciting over speakers for all to hear your name, social security number, your weight, your cholesterol numbers, with an image of you flashing on a screen interrupting the children’s entertainment, will blare until you move away from the service counter and cower in a corner like a frightened Capuchin monkey or exit the restaurant. This goes into a national public record system retrievable by any restaurant, food establishment, or market, adding to your list of food offenses.
If you brazenly enter another restaurant again triggering the Food Offender System, not caring who knows to get that juicy(!!) burger with three cheeses and bacon with potato, onion, and zucchini fries on the side, you will be removed by the Food Offender Security Force. You will be taken to one of many locations of the Institution for Body Abusers, managed by a profitable corporation that, incidentally, harvests body parts and organs for use, and until such time, after you are subjected to a food and exercise plan not of your choice and reduce to acceptable levels of health and numbers, you will be returned to live among civilized, responsible citizens. The cost and taxes for your rehabilitation will be garnisheed from your salary. Depending on how far out of hand you allowed your health situation to grow, you may have to obtain a loan. Your list of food offenses may determine if you are a good or a bad risk. Now a new number may be affected: your credit score. Oh my GOD!!!!
I’m drenched. What the-? Oh, I was dreaming. Whew.
After rereading this, I thought, why wait to plan such a party for a funeral? This would be great to do while I’m alive. Now I am in another frame of mind. I’m thinking about the time of year, budget, place, FOOD, etc. I certainly need no reason to do it. The more I think about it, the more I feel the importance of creating great memories. The more unusual or fun or both or romantic or loving the memories are, the better. I only have one shot at making great ones. Bring on that burger with three cheeses and bacon with potato, onion, and zucchini fries on the side, for y’all. I’ll eat fiddlehead ferns and pumpkin tortellini with pesto sauce.
To be added.